stuff....

this topic has been on the brain lately. i have felt compelled to write about it, and i am not sure i will be able to articulate it the way that i feel it in my heart or in my mind, but thought it would be worth a try.

i have been thinking about 'stuff'. deep eh? my stuff, other peoples stuff--everyone has it. you know, the problems, trials, things that they are enduring, carrying, or just really worried about. no one is immune. in fact the other day at the farmers market, i was looking at everyone...i mean really looking--in a non-creepy way, and wondering, "what is worrying you? what are your problems? do you feel as though you might break under them? what things have you overcome? what are the stories you could tell?" isn't it crazy that everyone has problems, i mean really has sorrow and heartbreak or stress and worry and for the most part, no one is even has any idea? sure, maybe your sisters know, your parents, maybe some close friends, or your spouse if you have one, but for the most part, we all keep our stuff tucked away. out of everyday conversations, and behind the smiles and the 'i'm doing really good thanks!" sometimes, despite the stuff, we are in fact doing really good, but sometimes we really aren't.

so i have pondered my stuff, and been more aware of other peoples stuff and have wondered, "why don't we share it more freely with others? are we just private? are we worried we will feel vulnerable? look weak? worried people will pity us? or do we just not really let it bother us enough to talk about it because its boring, or maybe we are just sick and tired of it always being on our minds?" i don't know. i know for me, its a little bit of all of that. i also know that it would be super weird to be checking out at the grocery store, and when the cashier asks how you are doing, for you to blurt out, how you REALLY are..... but as i have been recently going through my stuff, and been more aware of what others are going through and struggles they are having and things they have overcome i have felt overwhelmed. humbled. empathetic. grateful. grateful to be human, and to feel emotion and sorrow. to feel joy and triumph. life is sincerely beautiful, but life is really, really hard. it ebbs and flows. things don't go as planned.

A good friend recently shared something her friend shared with her. She said, "I think that as women we do ourselves a real disservice not talking about the stuff that we are struggling with." I have thought about that a lot.  I think that is true. I don't think that we have to bare our souls to everyone we know, but maybe, we should be better about saying, "You know what? I am having a hard time with something." And what would that do? Make us look weak? Maybe. But the weak things in our lives are actually what is making, and shaping us into stronger people. Would being real with people make people see us in all our imperfections? Gasp!! Yes, and HALLELUJAH! I know for me, I am full of flaws and problems and quirks. Most that I don't want people to really see because its embarrassing and messy and weird. But it makes me human, and it makes me, ME. So in an effort for people to see past the everyday snippets of blog posts and instragram pictures, let me share some stuff that I am dealing with.

Dan is unemployed. Yeesh...even typing that is hard. I want to erase it, delete this post. i don't want to tell everyone. He was laid off after working with a starter company 6 months ago. Its Silicon Valley, I get it. It happens. But it doesn't change the fact that dealing with it is really, REALLY hard some days. Its even harder considering that 16 months ago, we were in this same position. It feels a little bit like Groundhog Day. We just did this! And honestly it is really crappy. Most days I feel pretty good and peaceful, but there are moments when I feel anxious and stressed.

I am not sharing this because I want people to feel bad for me. Because I don't. I am not sharing this because I want pity or people to acknowledge my hardships. I am writing this because I feel that there is value in seeing that behind every single person is someone who is going through real challenges and real concerns. We need to be kinder and we need to be real with others in our interactions with each other. If someone came up to me, and told me that they thought I didn't have any problems or that it looked like I had it together I would feel like I was living the biggest lie.

But above all else, no matter what kind of stuff i have i know that God loves me. i know that He is aware of every single detail in my life and has a hand in it. i know that He wants me to grow. He knows how to grow me best, but i wish it didn't hurt and that it wasn't uncomfortable. i wish that faith could really be as easy as singing the song i grew up singing in primary. but faith requires work. it requires action. I trust God to put me where i need to be. i know that Jesus is my Savior, but that He has felt every single pain, worry, stress, frustration and despair that my soul has felt. I know that He loves me even when the trials I carry feel too heavy to bear. I know that because of the gospel, I can be truly happy, despite the real 'stuff' I am dealing with.

I am not sure what the point of any of this is. Maybe to treat each other more kindly. Not to judge others circumstances. Not to compare your worst to someone else's best, or to someone else's 'reality.' Maybe to be more open with what we are going through, so we can inspire and lift each other. We can all do it! We can all overcome our stuff. Because we have a loving Heavenly Father, who has given us each other.