Birthday Reflections

Ezra is one today. The boy with 2 names. The little guy who refuses to sleep. The baby that has the biggest fan club and takes manhandling like a champ. I have had him for 365 days on the outside and he is just the easiest going baby (sans night time) baby I probably have had. 

Still hardly a hair on his head. Just started walking 2 weeks ago and is ecstatic that he can go where he wants to. Has 7 teeth and a gap-y smile that brightens my heart. His eyes are big and blue and soulful. He is the slowest eater, but can put a lot of food away. He adores his brother and sister and Dad and they adore him. He is a bit of a momma's boy and always wants to be up in my arms and see what I am doing. He gives the best snuggles and hugs, but does not give kisses. He is still hard to get a genuine laugh out of unless its a courtesy laugh, which are funny. Many people say his cry sounds like a laugh, that he is a spitting image of Dan, and that he has a great smile. He loves peanut butter and jam sandwiches, yogurt, cheese, and recently graham crackers. 

His nicknames are Ez, Ez-Bez, Za-za, Zaz, za-za-ga-booz-ga, zazy, E-Z-Squeeze, and still occasionally Dash. :) 

It is interesting to me that being a mom to all of my children changes me in different ways, mostly for the better--and some towards insanity. I have been re-reading my sporatic journal entries about Ezra's last year and was reminded about this experience and thought I would post it on the 'ol blog. Maybe it will kick start me into actually documenting more stuff on here. But.....probably not. 

This is a journal entry from last August. 

"Ezra hasn't been sleeping. I tell everyone that he isn't. The person checking out my groceries, the librarian, people at the park. EVERYONE! It has been consuming me because the lack of sleep is frustrating. Well, a few weeks ago I decided to take matters into my own hands. He was going to cry it out. A 5 month old does NOT need to eat every hour in the night. He self soothes for naps, and he can go 4 hours easy in the day time, so he can go AT LEAST 4 hours at night. Right? RIGHT??? Anyway, I was strong in my resolve, dang it!

Well, 10 o clock rolls around and he starts crying. GAHHHH! I hadn't even gone to bed yet. I buried my face in the couch cushion and growled. I wanted to go to bed, but now I couldn't because if he saw me in our room, he would cry even harder. And sleeping on the couch was hard because, well....he was crying. 800 square feet isn't enough space to NOT hear it. I waffled back and forth in my resolve. 

Should I just go in and nurse him? It had been 3 hours, that's basically 4 right? He would just go back to sleep and I could go to bed. 

NO!

I was strong in my resolve. 

At least 4 hours. I knew he could do it. 

As he cried I almost convinced myself to go sit in the van for an hour and then I wouldn't have to listen to it. But I oddly wanted to listen to it to make sure he was ok. 

After 25 minutes I army crawled into our room, to peek and make sure he wasn't stuck in the crib because his crying was just so sad. (parenthood at its finest...am I right?)  He was fine and I wriggled onto the bed and watched the clock tick by. I told myself I would get him at 11--at the 4 hour mark. 

After another 5 minutes I nearly jumped up to get him but then I asked myself a question:

Why am I even doing this? What does it matter whether he gets up so often? It is just a phase probably anyway. WHY am I making or letting him cry?

The answer? I wanted him to progress. I want him to sleep. Sleep will make him healthy, happy, and feel rested. I don't want him to be 30 and need his mom to go back to sleep! Or need bedtime snacks every 2 hours of the night! I love sleep and I want him to sleep LIKE ME. I am doing it for myself, but I am also doing it FOR HIM.  

As I was thinking this, Dan poked his head into the dark room. He crept around the crib and reached inside the crib and grabbed his pacifier and tried to drop it into his mouth. HAHA! Ezra didn't see him because he was crying too hard. Dan kind of slid down and sat by the crib. "Come on buddy!" I pleaded silently. "you have 15 more minutes and then I will come in and scoop you up and feed you if that is what you need. But I know you can get yourself back to sleep and I know you can go 4 hours because you have done it before! In fact I know you can go longer! But if you need it in 15 minutes, I am there, because I know you can do it!" 

Then I had this moment of clarity on how God parents us. 

We are figuratively in a crib and in the dark. Sometimes we cry out in the night because we are scared, frustrated, hurt, angry, sad, tired, or lonely. And GOD IS THERE. He hears our cries. In fact his hand is IN THE CRIB trying to pacify us and comfort us but sometimes we don't see it. And why does he let us cry? Suffer? Struggle? Feel angry, hurt or sadness and frustration?Because he wants us to progress. He wants us to be like Him. And we can't, unless He lets us. He won't give us more than we can take. Just figuratively 4 hours. And He isn't in the van waiting for us to figure it out. He is right outside the crib listening to every single cry. He wants to hear it. "

"I feel as though I have had so many moments in the dark hours of the night and in breathing in this baby of mine that he allows me to feel God's love for me in a perspective that I have never been able to before. His spirit is calm and peaceful (unless its at night or he is sick and uncomfortable.) I have felt so often that Ezra has allowed me to dig deeper into who I am as a soul, not just a human. He has healed me and given me peace." 

January

"Last night Ezra just wanted to be snuggled and I was frustrated that he NEEDED me so much at night. But perhaps during the 3 months prior to his birth, my stress or anxiety was keeping him up at night and he was up WITH ME. I had several nights where the culmination of pregnancy and Dan's cancer kept me awake, and my mind would push to take off to places that caused me to worry and stress, Ezra would push and kick and thump around and remind me, to trust. To have hope. Faith. Confidence in God. Happiness. Peace. Love. Joy. Because his very existence was the result of all of that. He comforted me when I NEEDED it. I guess all is fair, and it is evening out. HA! I think that having Griff be such a good sleeper, I went into this 3rd baby stuff thinking it would be the same. It has been humbling to realize that I don't ever have it figured out and I have to be in tune with what my kids needs are individually. I have been thinking today how beautiful families are. We need each other and we give of each other even when it isn't convenient. We give when we are tired or don't want to because that kind of deep love comes BECAUSE you sacrifice and give up things that don't matter, for people who very much do."

But now this boy of mine is 1. It hasn't just gotten more crowded physically in this 800 square foot space since he moved in a year ago, but his existence has added to our home with feelings of peace, love and happiness and (noise) that have it nearly bursting. And although it drives me bonkers and crazy sometimes, I love it, and I love him. So glad you are ours Zaz.

Pictures taken around 2 months by our awesome friend and neighbor Jen Berg!