Done!!!

Today was Dan's last day of chemo! YEAH! I cannot believe that its done. And I could not be more grateful. It feels surreal. Driving home I felt so emotional. I felt relieved. I felt happy. I felt exhausted. But I mostly felt thankful that we are through the whirlwind of the last 3 months.

Dan's doctor told him last Friday that he has never in his career seen anyone his age with this kind of cancer with this kind of regime of drugs do as well as he has. He said, "I don't know how you have done it man." Dan said, he wanted to tell him, "The enabling power of the atonement and prayer." How true that is. I have never felt so empowered and enabled by Christ, and I know that Dan will say the same thing.

I will not miss this cancer business and hope that it never comes back--ever. But the growth that has happened within myself and with Dan, and together as a couple, and as a family has been immense. It is amazing how after you have done something and you realize how much you have had to rely on the Lord and each other and your friends and family how you realize you never knew how strong you had the capacity to be. We never could have done any of this without the love and prayers of so. many. people. And we could not have done it without God. It makes me think of the poem that President Monson quoted a few conferences ago while Dan was unemployed, "Good timber does not grow with ease, the stronger the wind, the stronger the trees." That really resonated with me then and I still reflect on it. I want to be a strong tree, but I hate the wind and when the wind starts to blow, I don't want to be a strong tree anymore. :) (Let me stay wimpy!!!!) I know that we don't have to stand in the wind alone to become a stronger version of our tree though. I am so grateful that we have a respite from this particular storm, but am grateful for the wind from this particular hurricane. (That blew so hard that it took Dan's hair with it--Ha! I just couldn't resist.)

 Getting all hooked up for his final dose of Bleo--and final dose of chemo.

All of the great nurses at the infusion center. On the bottom right is Jessica--she was our main nurse and was so fabulous. She is getting married in a couple weeks. On the left is KB. The other nurses in the back are Lori, Hannah, Sarah and Shelly. We loved them, and will miss them, but won't miss that green chair. :) They came in and rang a bell and gave him his cancer monkey and a survival certificate and clapped and cheered with him as his IV started to beep that he was done. 

We all three spent a lot of time in this little room. A lot of people have commented that its been crazy timing being pregnant during all of this. I don't know if I have written this here, but this little boy has brought me more peace than I can even articulate. Admittedly, this has been my hardest pregnancy as far as feeling sick and tired goes. I have been more achy and had a harder time than I ever have with Nova or Griffon. But in some ways, his has been the easiest. He has brought me a lot of joy and happiness even in times of a lot of stress and worry. And I am so grateful he has stayed in this whole time too and hasn't decided to come early. :)

Round 2

Last week is over! And I am so very very glad. It was long, but it went smoothly. It was hard, yet was made easier by so many people. I am overwhelmed and humbled by so many people in our lives who love us and care for us and are so willing to love and serve even when their own lives are busy and crazy and stressful. I truly felt angels on the other side last week as well as angels on this side as well. And we couldn't have done it without either.

This week was very much the same as week 1. They repeated the same drugs, same chemo schedule. He had the same side effects around the same time of the week and so although it was helpful to know what to expect, it was also this cloud looming knowing that it was just going to go downhill as the week progressed. By Thursday, he was declining and feeling weaker and yesterday he was completely wiped. He got a steroid yesterday to help produce white blood cells and so if everything repeats on schedule like last time, by tomorrow he will be feeling about a thousand times better than he does now. Doing anything kind of takes it out of him. He feels week and tired and just all round blah. I think this round hit him a bit harder than the last because he was weaker when it started. But, he doesn't have a cold like he did last time, so in that aspect, that has been better. He said this round has been harder than the first. But he has been amazing through this whole process. He hasn't complained at all. The most he will say is, "I'm ready for this to be done." I have always loved him, but seeing him take this with so much grace and strength has made me love him even more. He is so phenomenally incredible and I am so lucky to have him.

I am so grateful for friends who took Griffon for a bit everyday so I could be with Dan during chemo. Although he isn't super chatty and worked most of the time I was there, it was nice to eat lunch with him and break up the monotony of the day for him.

Tender mercies this week--consisting of mostly people :) I just want to remember how MUCH people have done for us. : (I am sure I am missing people in this too, I have tried to write everything down so I can remember, but still probably haven't even done a good job of it--our friends and ward family have been so unbelievable. It makes me want to be better at serving and loving.)

*Kate, Olivia, Melanie, and Michelle for watching Griffon. And Chrissy for being ready to watch my kids even though I cancelled at the last minute because my kids needed to be home.
*Erin and Jen for picking up Nova and letting her hang out at their house after school on the days that Dan wasn't quite done with chemo.
*Debbi and Erin for helping with Griff on Friday and getting him to gymnastics.
*Dave Erickson bringing cookies all the way from New York for Dan.
*Carol, Kate, Michelle, Cynthia, and Britt for bringing dinner. I have always been pretty terrible at asking for help, or accepting it for that matter because I have the mentality of just hunkering down and getting stuff done that needs to be done--even when its not easy. But having dinner brought in all week was the so amazing for me. By the end of the day I was completely wiped out, and only having to figure out food for Dan and Nova was way better than thinking of something for Griffon and I as well. But to top it off, everyone brought food that Nova could have at least some of and it was amazing to have that load lightened at the end of the day.
*Erin brought over some amazing bread that Dan devoured after nothing else sounded good.
*Phil watched Griffon while I was able to take Nova to a tap dance performance for her old teacher that she desperately wanted to go to.
*Our home teacher brought over some "chemo chip cookies." He made them himself.
*Friends and family texting and calling and sending letters to lift Dan's spirits.
*A gift card from Dave and Elisa to Red Robin.
*An anonomyous gift card to Chik-fil-a for us to get dinner from someone in our ward.
*We were able to enjoy a movie on Friday as a family. It has been a LONG time since we have had a Family movie night and it was so awesome to be together doing something normal even though Dan felt blah.

Hardest things for the week:
*The week in general was really long.
*We had an inspection at our property and I needed to make sure our house was clean and tidy.
*Watching Dan feel miserable.
*Finding out Wednesday that my amniotic fluid is low--they aren't super worried about it, but I have been told I need to drink a gallon a day and rest twice a day. Drinking a gallon a day with a baby sitting on my bladder means I am living in the bathroom or always needing to GO to the bathroom. Hahaha!
*Thursday afternoon. The kids were so done. They were play-dated out. They were tired. They were cranky. Nova particularly had a rough time. As in epic meltdowns. I think at this point of the week everyone was kind of done. Ha!

SIDE NOTE ON FRIDAY (that will be of no interest to anyone but me, but I wanted to record it somewhere.)

*I so carefully orchestrated getting everywhere where I needed to be. I needed to be at the school in the morning to check to see if there was any prep work for Nova's classroom. Then I dropped Griffon off at our neighbor Erin's house. Then I ran back to the school to drop off Nova's backpack that she had left that morning (The morning was so crazy because we were trying to tidy everything up for an inspection happening later in the morning that I wouldn't be home for.)  I then volunteered in Nova's class, and left early so I could be to Dan's doctors appointment on time. Another friend, Debbi, picked up Griffon from Erin's house to get him to gymnastics where I would meet her before it ended.
After leaving Nova's school a little early to get to Dan's doctors appointment on time I was feeling really proud of myself because I was actually a little early to Dan's doctors appointment. (Typically I am running behind.) I texted him as I was parking to let him know I was there and he texted back as I was walking in to say he had been pulled back early for his appointment, it had only lasted 3 minutes and he was done. I felt SO defeated. After all my careful planning and figuring, I still couldn't be everywhere where I felt like I should be. It was frustrating and annoying. I kind of wanted to put my head in my hands and cry. I could have been home for the inspection. I could have finished volunteering. I could have picked up Griffon and taken him to gymnastics. I felt exhausted trying to be impossibly everything for everyone. But instead, I just took a moment to be really mad and then decided I didn't even have enough energy to be mad about it.
I had packed Dan a lunch and sat with him for a bit while he got started on chemo and went and met Griff and Debbi at gymnastics. Because I was exhausted and my kids were exhausted, I cancelled the playdate for the kids that afternoon and we hung out at home. Griff and I had a great nap while Nova played quietly. And that night we had a movie night all together. Although Dan didn't feel good, it was such a great thing to just be together and have things feel normal. It was a good reminder that I can't do it all--as much as I want to and that as much as I can simplify things, I need to.

My view at chemo. :) 

Last day of the long chemo week. We both look pretty tired.

A view of the IV drip machine he is hooked to.

But, the great news is that he only has one treatment left--next Monday! Hooray!

Chemo week 3

Half way there baby!

We finished up the week and are officially half way done with chemo! In some ways it has seemed really fast and in other ways it has seemed to be really dragging.

This week Monday started off kind of rough. Dan went in for a treatment and was able to go back to work afterwards for a bit but came home feeling pretty miserable. The drug he gets every Monday makes him feel like he has the flu and can make him feel achy, chilled, and get a really high fever. He has never gotten a fever before with this drug, but Monday he got a pretty high fever and felt awful. I was a little worried we would need to take him in. Luckily, the Tylenol took it down and he was able to get some sleep and felt much better in the morning.

Tuesday, his hair started falling out in clumps in the shower. It was pretty crazy, and although expected, was a little sad. Dan shaved his whole head before he went to work. He had Griff watch him because whenever we have talked about Dan loosing his hair, Griff has been really concerned about it and has even cried a few times. But Griff (and Dan) took it like a champ. Dan did a big strip down the middle of his mohawk and Griffon laughed and told him he had a bridge on his head. Afterwards Griff went and sat by the window and just stared out the window for a bit. I went over and sat by him and snuggled him and he said, "I think that when I have chemo, I will shave my head like Dad. It's not scary." It made me smile, but also pulled at my heart. One of the hardest things for me throughout this whole process has been to try to help Nova and Griffon process what is going on without being scared or feel worried or totally have our life turned upside down with our regular routines being different or dynamics changing. (Along with coping with those things myself)The kids have overall done well, but seeing little Griff being so pensive made me sad that he even has to process stuff like that, let alone have cancer be such a part of his life right now. Cancer is dumb.

Tuesday night Dan came home from work and experimented with the kids about how to pull the rest of his hair out. They tried duct tape--but that didn't work, and they tried a lint roller too. HA! That didn't work either. Wednesday morning, he completely shaved it off, but there are parts that are still sort of growing. It is super weird. He has been wearing a hat to work, and it actually has been harder for him to loose his hair than he anticipated, and that as a spouse has been hard too. I wish I could give him some of mine! :)

The rest of the week was pretty uneventful. Friday he had a doctors appointment, and his blood levels look great and he is on track to go into his heavy week on Monday of treatment everyday. It is a little daunting and am not looking forward to it. But, knowing that we have done it before helps, and after this week, we really will be on the home stretch.

Tender Mercies this week:
*A sunshine package from one of my best friends growing up. It came on a bum day, and it really was such a ray of sunshine! Thanks Mel!
*Baby Dash. Although all the feelings you get at the end of pregnancy isn't the ideal thing to be feeling during all of this, this baby boy has brought so much peace and comfort and joy to me. A year ago, this week, I was 12 weeks pregnant when I went into the doctor and found out that there was no heartbeat. I was so sad. I felt frustrated. I was discouraged that for the 4th time I would have to go through a miscarriage. But. This week, a year later, I am weeks from delivering a baby. I have felt immense love that I have been pregnant these last few months even with all the chaos of this cancer business. He has been a constant reminder that Heavenly Father hears our cries for what we so desperately desire--but in his time table. And through this whole cancer process, when it has been scary and uncertain, this tiny moving human that I am carrying inside of my body has reminded me of God's love for me and His hand in my life and how God knows what we need when we need it. God does not always give us what we want, but He will always give us what we need.

Hard things this week:
*Dan loosing his hair, and seeing him struggle with it.
*Friday was a rough day. I just felt sort of blah after about noon. Dan has been working really late hours this week with a big project that has been coming up that kind of bottle necks with him. It has been a miracle he has been able to work through this entire chemo thing so far, but he has been super busy. So the days have been long without him here at night to help with bedtime routines and dinner. But hooray that he has a job that he loves and that he has a job! But putting kids to bed alone 8 months pregnant isn't my favorite. HA! (Lets be real though---doing the bedtime routine not pregnant and alone isn't my favorite either!) HAHA!

So grateful to be halfway done!