i see moms

all over instagram there have been shout outs, loving posts, heartfelt words, and beautiful pictures about mothers. i am blessed to have one. i am blessed to be one. and i have been mothered by countless people in my near 29 years of existence. as i have thought about what to post, every caption seems insufficient for my thoughts today, and so, i write.

i am grateful for my own mom. she is the most self-less person i know. she is kind and will help a person at the drop of a hat. she has always been that way. making meals for people, doing visiting teaching to 7 people with impossible schedules, loving the neighbors, baking bread once a week, magnifying callings from relief society president to scout leader. she is a lover and a worrier. she is pretty serious and does not like to be the center of attention. she hates to wear new clothes--or clothes that look new. she is the most frugal person i know. she has a heart that can love anyone and everyone and her hugs are pretty much the best. the way she squeezes you right before she lets go makes you feel pretty good. she is a big morning person, my mom. every morning i would wake up she would be at the sink and she would turn around and say, "good morning! how did you sleep?" and she would pick me up and hug me. i don't remember when the picking up ended. but the morning hugs and snuggles never stopped. i still remember a time in college i asked if i could sit on her lap, and she let me. it didn't last long and it ended in me laughing, and her laughing and claiming it didn't hurt, but moms are supposed to tell you lies like that right? "no, i don't want that last brownie." or "i would love to help you with that." even though they, of course they want the last brownie---they haven't had any! and they have a billion things they need to do or would rather do, but they help you instead. so on days like today i wonder what do i say to my own mother? a person who has dedicated her lifetime to me and my siblings. sacrificed for me. taught me. disciplined me. read books to me. gave me confidence. made me feel special. made me mad. made me happy. taught me how to work. taught me the importance and joy of living the gospel. stayed up until i got home and was safely tucked into bed. thank you? it seems like it isn't even enough. i love you? still doesn't seem like enough. maybe, you are the most awesome person in the whole world and i love you more than all the shades orange? hmmm..maybe i am getting closer.

and then there is my other mom--dan's mom, sarah. she somehow just loves me because her son decided i was a good person to pick for eternity. and just like that she has accepted me and loved me just like her own. a lot of people don't feel that from their in-laws. although there is always a learning curve in suddenly joining someone else's family and the way they do things i have felt so loved and accepted by them. dan's mom has such a strong testimony. she is a hard worker and has more faith and patience in waiting on the Lord than anyone i know. she recently helped me in one of the hardest challenges i have ever faced. she knows the scriptures. she is a wonderful seamstress and entertaining people is so natural for her. she has a love of music and reading and a deep love for learning that is inspiring. oh, she has a pretty terrific laugh too. 

and then there is my older sister. she has mothered me too. she tells me how it is. she is the best foot rubber around, and is hands down THE most creative person i know. her handwriting is enviable. she is the best listener, has great faith and an unwavering testimony. nothing could shake her. she is willing to put everyone before herself and when i have been at low points in my life or thinking of making decisions that were less than great, i would think, 'if heather found out, she would be devastated.' i always knew she expected a lot, and so i never wanted to disappoint her. she really is the best older sister ever and i feel that the 12 year age gap was a huge blessing--especially when i was in jr high--insert shudder--and high school. 

and then there are the countless examples of motherhood and mothering that i see in those that i associate with. whether it be my sisters and my sister-in-laws--who are seriously the coolest people--EVER. My grandmothers, aunts, friends, my cousins, my past neighbors and ward members, and current neighbors and ward members. i am blessed to be surrounded by totally awesome, wicked-cool people. but, i'll be honest. sometimes that is super hard. (not that i am complaining--i mean, the alternative wouldn't be great--you know, surrounding myself with drug addicts or something.) but here is why sometimes i find it difficult: one of my greatest flaws is that i compare myself with others and see how great and amazing they are and i feel less than amazing. i just see all these qualities that these great women have and i just wish that i was better at this or better at that. and then i feel frustrated that i am not better at this or that. and i feel overwhelmed by the sheer amount of qualities that i need to improve on. it just isn't pretty.

i see moms who are patient, and i wish that i could be that way. i see moms who are always planning fun activities for their kids and i feel bad that i am not more fun or creative. i see moms who are great cooks, or have great style. i see moms who are organized and have routines and schedules that are so well thought out. i see moms who are great and effective at weaving the gospel into everything that they do. i see moms who have great relationships with their kids and moms who have helped their children cultivate great relations with their siblings. i see moms who take their kids on wild and fun adventures. i see moms who are gentle. i see moms who i can't even picture loosing their temper. i see moms who never seem frazzled. i see moms who are crafty and domestic. i see moms who seem like they can do it all and do it with flair. i see moms who are musical. i see moms who have kids who listen when they ask them to do something. i see moms who just seem to be doing everything right.........

and then i see me. and i feel inadequate. inadequate in my calling as a mother. i know this is satan, trying to make me feel undervalued and under-qualified for my most important job, but you know what? i still do it. and i still see me. in all my glory. in all my flaws, and in all my shortcomings. i compare my worst of worsts, to everyone else's best of bests. its not fair. i know its not. but i still do. but as i have thought about motherhood today, i was reminded that i don't have to be like those other moms. should i learn from other mothers? absolutely? are people put into our lives to inspire us and help us grow? yes. but, i need to be me. and although i see me, so does God. but He sees me in a way that i can't comprehend, because i am too hard on myself. He sees my weaknesses and knows them well--because He gave them to me to make me better and He knew i would need them. He also sent my children to me because i was the one that they needed. and i need them. they don't need the other amazing women and their seemingly perfect mothering skills. they need me and my flaws. because all i can be is my best. and the best that i can give is me being absolutely and 100% flawed and imperfect. but as they know me for all of my imperfections, they know its ok that they aren't perfect either. 

because everyday i see moms. but i what i truly need to focus on is being the best mom that i can be. and being the best mom, doesn't mean being the perfect one, and that's ok.