Chemo week 3

Half way there baby!

We finished up the week and are officially half way done with chemo! In some ways it has seemed really fast and in other ways it has seemed to be really dragging.

This week Monday started off kind of rough. Dan went in for a treatment and was able to go back to work afterwards for a bit but came home feeling pretty miserable. The drug he gets every Monday makes him feel like he has the flu and can make him feel achy, chilled, and get a really high fever. He has never gotten a fever before with this drug, but Monday he got a pretty high fever and felt awful. I was a little worried we would need to take him in. Luckily, the Tylenol took it down and he was able to get some sleep and felt much better in the morning.

Tuesday, his hair started falling out in clumps in the shower. It was pretty crazy, and although expected, was a little sad. Dan shaved his whole head before he went to work. He had Griff watch him because whenever we have talked about Dan loosing his hair, Griff has been really concerned about it and has even cried a few times. But Griff (and Dan) took it like a champ. Dan did a big strip down the middle of his mohawk and Griffon laughed and told him he had a bridge on his head. Afterwards Griff went and sat by the window and just stared out the window for a bit. I went over and sat by him and snuggled him and he said, "I think that when I have chemo, I will shave my head like Dad. It's not scary." It made me smile, but also pulled at my heart. One of the hardest things for me throughout this whole process has been to try to help Nova and Griffon process what is going on without being scared or feel worried or totally have our life turned upside down with our regular routines being different or dynamics changing. (Along with coping with those things myself)The kids have overall done well, but seeing little Griff being so pensive made me sad that he even has to process stuff like that, let alone have cancer be such a part of his life right now. Cancer is dumb.

Tuesday night Dan came home from work and experimented with the kids about how to pull the rest of his hair out. They tried duct tape--but that didn't work, and they tried a lint roller too. HA! That didn't work either. Wednesday morning, he completely shaved it off, but there are parts that are still sort of growing. It is super weird. He has been wearing a hat to work, and it actually has been harder for him to loose his hair than he anticipated, and that as a spouse has been hard too. I wish I could give him some of mine! :)

The rest of the week was pretty uneventful. Friday he had a doctors appointment, and his blood levels look great and he is on track to go into his heavy week on Monday of treatment everyday. It is a little daunting and am not looking forward to it. But, knowing that we have done it before helps, and after this week, we really will be on the home stretch.

Tender Mercies this week:
*A sunshine package from one of my best friends growing up. It came on a bum day, and it really was such a ray of sunshine! Thanks Mel!
*Baby Dash. Although all the feelings you get at the end of pregnancy isn't the ideal thing to be feeling during all of this, this baby boy has brought so much peace and comfort and joy to me. A year ago, this week, I was 12 weeks pregnant when I went into the doctor and found out that there was no heartbeat. I was so sad. I felt frustrated. I was discouraged that for the 4th time I would have to go through a miscarriage. But. This week, a year later, I am weeks from delivering a baby. I have felt immense love that I have been pregnant these last few months even with all the chaos of this cancer business. He has been a constant reminder that Heavenly Father hears our cries for what we so desperately desire--but in his time table. And through this whole cancer process, when it has been scary and uncertain, this tiny moving human that I am carrying inside of my body has reminded me of God's love for me and His hand in my life and how God knows what we need when we need it. God does not always give us what we want, but He will always give us what we need.

Hard things this week:
*Dan loosing his hair, and seeing him struggle with it.
*Friday was a rough day. I just felt sort of blah after about noon. Dan has been working really late hours this week with a big project that has been coming up that kind of bottle necks with him. It has been a miracle he has been able to work through this entire chemo thing so far, but he has been super busy. So the days have been long without him here at night to help with bedtime routines and dinner. But hooray that he has a job that he loves and that he has a job! But putting kids to bed alone 8 months pregnant isn't my favorite. HA! (Lets be real though---doing the bedtime routine not pregnant and alone isn't my favorite either!) HAHA!

So grateful to be halfway done!

Chemo week 2

Nearly done with week 2!

The week started off really rough. Coming off that heavy week of chemo last week left Dan pretty hammered. Although he felt pretty good all things considered, Sunday night he was feeling pretty low. It didn't help that Griffon got sick, and passed his cold to Dan and both boys were feeling pretty miserable.

Sunday night and Monday were probably the worst of it. He went in for another dose of chemo Monday morning, but also some steroids that help produce white blood cells to help boost his immune system. Chemo attacks all fast growing cells--both good and bad--which makes Dan's immune system pretty much non-existent. The steroid is supposed to help boost his blood count and help him feel better. He looked pretty run down when we entered the clinic Monday but still managed to smile for the nurses, but slept the entire time of his infusion. 

Monday was probably the hardest day for me. It was hard seeing Dan feel so gross for a couple of days and see him looking weak. Although we felt so triumphant and positive that week one had gone so well, on Monday morning when we drove to the clinic, we both talked about how it had been an insanely long week and doing 5 more weeks seemed impossible and daunting. It was a little discouraging to see Dan so low, and feeling like I couldn't really draw a ton of positive energy out of myself either. It kind of reminded me a bit of running a half marathon--you get to about mile 10 and you know that 3 miles isn't really a long way to go, but 3 miles is still 3 miles--and you question if it would be better to just dive off onto the side of the road and call it good. Ha! 

Tuesday was better and it was SO insanely nice to not have to go to the clinic for any actual chemo! Dan had Tuesday- Friday off to recover. By the end of Tuesday he had perked right back up, and Wednesday he went back to work even! He has been at work all week long and although he still feels fatigued, life has seemed pretty normal. He went into the clinic today for lab work, and his blood looks great, and his doctor is thrilled with how well Dan has handled everything, and how well his body is tolerating the treatments. We feel so blessed, and so grateful!

Dan is also expected to start loosing his hair in the next 3-4 days. So, he decided to have some fun with it before it goes. He was going to dye it blue, but didn't want to be bald AND have a blue scalp, so he gave himself a mohawk. I had a minor--he would say major--panic attack when he proclaimed at 9:30 at night he was going to cut it. I made him wait a day to prep myself, and he did it last night. He looks adorably goofy--but I don't hate it. The kids reaction this morning was funny. Nova freaked out---of course---and proclaimed that he didn't look normal, didn't look like her dad, and that next time he does chemo, she doesn't want him to cut it like that before it falls out! (Not planning for a next time--this is a one time deal! Ha!) Griff laughed and told Dan that he didn't want to cut his hair that way because it looked TOO crazy. 

Tender Mercies

*Having a sense of normalcy again!

*More friends and neighbors showing love through stopping by, listening, checking in and even bringing goodies to our house. We have the best of friends!

*Dan felt well enough to attend Sacrament Meeting.

*Dan being able to work so far through everything. He actually was given a blessing when all of this started--even before we knew it he would need chemo that he would be able to work and get all of his work obligations fulfilled even if he wasn't feeling well. We have totally seen that be the case, and feel so grateful.

*We have had so many offers for help and many people helping watch kids while we get where we need to. 

*Dan didn't have a reaction on Monday to the drug that gave him a reaction last week.

*Nova had had a small lesion removed from her mouth a few weeks ago that they had to remove and had sent in to get tested. I was a little worried about getting the results back (I am totally over waiting for pathology and biopsy reports!) but everything came back great and we are so grateful that it was nothing more serious.

Hardest things this week:

*Sunday night and Monday feeling emotionally and physically exhausted. 

*Griffon being sick along with Dan.

Dan goes in for another treatment on Monday and then has Tuesday and Friday off again before he has another heavy week of chemo the following week. Hooray for a weekend that will be better than the last! 

Chemo Week 1

We have made it through the first week of chemo. Huzzah! 

All in all its gone smoothly and we are so grateful. This whole time Dan hasn't complained at all and has been so positive. He has been so optimistic and cheerful through this whole thing even though I know it hasn't been easy for him.  Go Dan!

Although he hasn't felt completely awful, he hasn't felt super great and normal either--but it has been way better than the doctors, or we were anticipating! Yesterday and today have been his hardest days so far. They said that through the weekend and into Tuesday he might feel pretty low and crummy, but after that, he should be on the upswing.

Some side effects he has had so far:

His eyes and face are swollen--probably from the steroids. 

He has a metallic taste in his mouth and some food tastes weird.

Meals don't sound particularly great to him, but he is able to snack and eat decently.

Feels fatigued

Tender mercies this week:

*Dan has hardly felt any nausea--it mostly has hit him today and yesterday. He hasn't had to take any additional medication for anything outside of his pre-meds and actual chemo drugs until Friday. He gets anti-nausea medication with his chemo, but not having to take anything additional nearly all week has been a blessing.

*He has been able to sleep OK without the sleeping pills they prescribed.

*He has had pretty good energy and has been in pretty good spirits most of the week.

*His nurses have been so nice and so great. The infusion/cancer center is awesome and about 10 minutes from our house, which makes it easy to go back and forth.

*My parents have been here and have entertained the kids and allowed me to be with Dan. 

*After being at the clinic all week long Dan and I feel so fortunate that our stay there will be so short lived. There are people who are doing 8 or 10 or 12 rounds and are so sick. Dan and I feel guilty for having it so easy comparatively. Which I know sounds insane. I just ache for the people there. 

*I had some friends who coordinated with my mom and made some bread mix for Nova so that making her bread will be more streamlined. It was such a gift of love and service to me.

*More friends dropped by a ton of paper products and a gift card to Costco so that I won't have to do dishes. It was so kind and thoughtful.

*We have felt prayers and love from friends and family near and far with people checking in and calling and texting and emailing.

*A friend watched our kids while we went to the temple last Saturday and grabbed some lunch. It was so wonderful to be able to get to the temple and have a little date before we geared up for chemo.

*I have had energy and haven't felt tired.

The kids have been great at helping out and getting along and helping around the house, and being content with a very low key winter break.

Hardest things this week:
*Watching Dan progressively feel a little weaker and sicker each day. Its never fun to watch someone you love--let alone your best friend not feel well, knowing there isn't much you can do for them.

*Trying to balance my time as a mom and wife. Although my mom has been here, I have missed being a mom and being with my kids, and feeling torn between where I should be.

Thank you again to everyone who has been praying on our behalf and putting our names in the temple. Your prayers are being heard and answered.  The power of prayer is so real and so powerful. Dan and I have felt very strongly this week that the reason he is doing so well is because of prayers that are being said by so many. Prayer matters.

Today we attended a baptism of one of our "California cousins" and in one of the talks it talked about how those who make baptismal covenants bare one another's burdens. I have always loved the imagery of that principle, but never have I felt it so much as I have had these last few weeks. I have felt my own burdens be light because of the prayers that have been said and the service that has been done for us--both big and small. This experience does not seem as heavy because of Christ, and Christ-like friends. It has inspired me think about my own discipleship, and how I can be a better disciple of Christ. It has also made me think about how I serve and how I can better show love to those I care about so they can feel it like I have felt it these last few weeks. We have felt beyond loved and cared for--it has been overwhelming.

We love you all! Goodbye week 1 and onto week 2!

Dan after 12 hours of chemo. Maybe he was a little loopy because he posed for this picture on top of this statue at the hospital on our way out.

 Last Dan of chemo week 1

Cancer

I wrote all of my feelings on the last few weeks, but after I typed it all up, it just felt to personal, so here is a simple run down of everything for anyone interested. Maybe at some point I will post it here, but not today. I do think that I will keep updates here (or at least try to) during the next few weeks as we navigate chemotherapy. 



For those who want a simple run down of everything Dan has testicular cancer. We found out Christmas Eve and it has been a whirlwind month and a half to say the least. These last few weeks have been crazy and a bit scary at times, but so completely full of tender mercies, blessings, miracles, and peace. 

He had surgery mid January, and we found out it was a bit more serious than they originally thought (needs to be treated by chemo instead of just radiation) So, Dan is starting chemotherapy on Monday and will be doing 2 rounds, and be done before baby boy Hope moves in. Yeah! Doing so little chemo is such a blessing and hopefully being done before little Dash comes, is another huge relief. (Not his real name--just his nickname)  We feel incredibly blessed that we found his tumor early and that we have such a great support system from our biological families as well as our California family. :)

We also feel extremely blessed that this cancer is 98% survivable and according to his doctors, the lottery of all cancers. Which although it seems ironic to put it that way, we feel so fortunate to be dealing with this as opposed to something much more serious. 

Things I have been reminded of these last few weeks:

Heavenly Father's love for His children is real. Trials help us see His love and require us to seek it and ask for it.

Trials are hard and every single person has them. Some have more visible ones than others, but everyone is carrying burdens and trials that are so very hard to bear and seem unbearable--and ARE unbearable at times. They can feel heavy and too much if we try to do it alone. I also know that we aren't expected to to it alone. The atonement is powerful and Christ has suffered all so we don't have to do it alone. Ever. I am so grateful for the perspective of the gospel. 

We are stronger than we think we are, and the power of prayer is real.

Right before we found out about the cancer, I was listening to a talk by Elder Uchtdorf "The Infinite Power of Hope" 

I really loved this quote and it has been a good reminder about where my focus should be.

The adversary uses despair to bind hearts and minds in suffocating darkness. Despair drains from us all that is vibrant and joyful and leaves behind the empty remnants of what life was meant to be. Despair kills ambition, advances sickness, pollutes the soul, and deadens the heart. Despair can seem like a staircase that leads only and forever downward.

Hope, on the other hand, is like the beam of sunlight rising up and above the horizon of our present circumstances. It pierces the darkness with a brilliant dawn. It encourages and inspires us to place our trust in the loving care of an eternal Heavenly Father.

“in the depth of winter, [we find] within [us] an invincible summer.” ³¹

God is so good, and the gospel is what brings me hope and joy even when it would be easier to sit in a corner and cry.  (Not to say I have done my share of that either though. HA! But I just blame it on the pregnancy :) )

8th Annual Christmas Music Video

Merry Christmas! 

A chill is in the air and the time is at hand to once again pull out our awesome-sauce sweaters and dance and sing like lunatics and share our crazy-ness with all the people we love the very very most! 

If we have met you within the last year, you are unaware that our friendship means that you are now a part of our christmas card list where we feel inclined to share our Christmas spirit by dancing in terrifically awesome Christmas sweaters to spread Christmas cheer.

Our 8th Annual Christmas Card is complete! 

Here is the link!

https://youtu.be/wgw6nV1JnI8

We want to take this time to share our love for Jesus Christ. We love Christmas time because we get to celebrate Him. We know that Christ lives. We are beyond grateful to have so many awesome people who are a part of our lives. Our lives are so much better because each and every one of you are in it. And that is the truth!

Merry Christmas!

Dan, Suzanne, Nova, Griffon and Baby Boy who will have a name sometime after April 2nd!

2014 Music Video of Delight

Friends and Family,

The long awaited wait is over! Our unconventional Christmas card is officially out! 

For those of you not cheering, you are probably confused and don't comprehend the magnitude of this statement. It probably means that you have no idea what this entails. Well, SURPRISE! Our family is straight from the loony bin. And instead of the great and classic and beautiful cards MOST people send around the holidays, we feel ever so inclined to don vintage, so-ugly-they-are-awesome-sweaters and dance around very much NOT like sugar plum fairies for some good old fashioned holiday entertainment.

Here is the link for this years:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-kLRmibvjA

and for those with nothing else to do, here are the others 

2013: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYBvDCxCYfE

2012: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZRKTqhD5Dw

2011: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Z_mJEwhVzI

2010: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SN96BRlkqho

2009: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HW9A3I9SCxI

2008: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ufZ7qPR7aj4

We also want to take this opportunity to share something special with everyone that we know. It is a time of year that we celebrate our Jesus Christ's birth. We believe in Him. We love Him. We try to be like Him and we are so grateful for a time of year that we celebrate Him. Merry Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone who we know and love. Our lives are so much better because they are filled with totally awesome people--YOU! Whether we see you frequently or not, you have touched our lives for good.

Hugs!

The Hope Family

Dan, Suzanne, Nova and Griffon

stuff....

this topic has been on the brain lately. i have felt compelled to write about it, and i am not sure i will be able to articulate it the way that i feel it in my heart or in my mind, but thought it would be worth a try.

i have been thinking about 'stuff'. deep eh? my stuff, other peoples stuff--everyone has it. you know, the problems, trials, things that they are enduring, carrying, or just really worried about. no one is immune. in fact the other day at the farmers market, i was looking at everyone...i mean really looking--in a non-creepy way, and wondering, "what is worrying you? what are your problems? do you feel as though you might break under them? what things have you overcome? what are the stories you could tell?" isn't it crazy that everyone has problems, i mean really has sorrow and heartbreak or stress and worry and for the most part, no one is even has any idea? sure, maybe your sisters know, your parents, maybe some close friends, or your spouse if you have one, but for the most part, we all keep our stuff tucked away. out of everyday conversations, and behind the smiles and the 'i'm doing really good thanks!" sometimes, despite the stuff, we are in fact doing really good, but sometimes we really aren't.

so i have pondered my stuff, and been more aware of other peoples stuff and have wondered, "why don't we share it more freely with others? are we just private? are we worried we will feel vulnerable? look weak? worried people will pity us? or do we just not really let it bother us enough to talk about it because its boring, or maybe we are just sick and tired of it always being on our minds?" i don't know. i know for me, its a little bit of all of that. i also know that it would be super weird to be checking out at the grocery store, and when the cashier asks how you are doing, for you to blurt out, how you REALLY are..... but as i have been recently going through my stuff, and been more aware of what others are going through and struggles they are having and things they have overcome i have felt overwhelmed. humbled. empathetic. grateful. grateful to be human, and to feel emotion and sorrow. to feel joy and triumph. life is sincerely beautiful, but life is really, really hard. it ebbs and flows. things don't go as planned.

A good friend recently shared something her friend shared with her. She said, "I think that as women we do ourselves a real disservice not talking about the stuff that we are struggling with." I have thought about that a lot.  I think that is true. I don't think that we have to bare our souls to everyone we know, but maybe, we should be better about saying, "You know what? I am having a hard time with something." And what would that do? Make us look weak? Maybe. But the weak things in our lives are actually what is making, and shaping us into stronger people. Would being real with people make people see us in all our imperfections? Gasp!! Yes, and HALLELUJAH! I know for me, I am full of flaws and problems and quirks. Most that I don't want people to really see because its embarrassing and messy and weird. But it makes me human, and it makes me, ME. So in an effort for people to see past the everyday snippets of blog posts and instragram pictures, let me share some stuff that I am dealing with.

Dan is unemployed. Yeesh...even typing that is hard. I want to erase it, delete this post. i don't want to tell everyone. He was laid off after working with a starter company 6 months ago. Its Silicon Valley, I get it. It happens. But it doesn't change the fact that dealing with it is really, REALLY hard some days. Its even harder considering that 16 months ago, we were in this same position. It feels a little bit like Groundhog Day. We just did this! And honestly it is really crappy. Most days I feel pretty good and peaceful, but there are moments when I feel anxious and stressed.

I am not sharing this because I want people to feel bad for me. Because I don't. I am not sharing this because I want pity or people to acknowledge my hardships. I am writing this because I feel that there is value in seeing that behind every single person is someone who is going through real challenges and real concerns. We need to be kinder and we need to be real with others in our interactions with each other. If someone came up to me, and told me that they thought I didn't have any problems or that it looked like I had it together I would feel like I was living the biggest lie.

But above all else, no matter what kind of stuff i have i know that God loves me. i know that He is aware of every single detail in my life and has a hand in it. i know that He wants me to grow. He knows how to grow me best, but i wish it didn't hurt and that it wasn't uncomfortable. i wish that faith could really be as easy as singing the song i grew up singing in primary. but faith requires work. it requires action. I trust God to put me where i need to be. i know that Jesus is my Savior, but that He has felt every single pain, worry, stress, frustration and despair that my soul has felt. I know that He loves me even when the trials I carry feel too heavy to bear. I know that because of the gospel, I can be truly happy, despite the real 'stuff' I am dealing with.

I am not sure what the point of any of this is. Maybe to treat each other more kindly. Not to judge others circumstances. Not to compare your worst to someone else's best, or to someone else's 'reality.' Maybe to be more open with what we are going through, so we can inspire and lift each other. We can all do it! We can all overcome our stuff. Because we have a loving Heavenly Father, who has given us each other.