Our 2016 video is here!
Check out the link!
https://youtu.be/6voA9XhrTOE
Merry Christmas!!
Dan, Suzanne, Nova, Griffon and Ezra
7 Spooky Halloween Cakes
1 year ago
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
Sunday, April 10, 2016
Dash's birth story
We had a baby!
I doubt anyone will actually make it through this post, but I am a much faster typer and all the details I want to remember.
I should start this saga by saying that I went into the doctor Wednesday afternoon. I had been dialated to a 2, 2 weeks prior, and was really hopeful that I had made a tiny bit of progress since then. I was also hoping that they would strip my membranes. With Nova and Griff, I went into labor within 24 hours of having my membranes striped so I was hopeful that little Dash would be the same. Unfortunately, I was only to a 2.5 and she could hardly strip my membranes because my water sack was so low that she was worried about breaking my water.......(I was like--that's ok! Just break my water! Ha! She didn't think that was a good idea though.....) And she scheduled me for an induction on the 9th of April, when I would be 41 weeks. I came home SOOOO discouraged. I did not want to be pregnant for another week and a half. My mom had just come into town and I think mentally I was finally ok with actually doing the labor thing. Prior to the appointment, I still felt a little hesitant about my readiness to do the labor thing mentally and physically. The last few months had been draining on me and I just didn't feel prepared. The previous Thursday I started having contractions and really thought it was the real deal. I had kind of a panic attack and Dan gave me a blessing. It's not that I didn't want to have the baby, it was that I just felt like I needed a bit more time to prepare. Dan had only been done with chemo for 3 days and was still feeling sick, and I had a bad cold, and I just needed more time. But this appointment did it for me. I was ready for this 9 months of anticipation to come to the ultimate end--delivery.
I should start this saga by saying that I went into the doctor Wednesday afternoon. I had been dialated to a 2, 2 weeks prior, and was really hopeful that I had made a tiny bit of progress since then. I was also hoping that they would strip my membranes. With Nova and Griff, I went into labor within 24 hours of having my membranes striped so I was hopeful that little Dash would be the same. Unfortunately, I was only to a 2.5 and she could hardly strip my membranes because my water sack was so low that she was worried about breaking my water.......(I was like--that's ok! Just break my water! Ha! She didn't think that was a good idea though.....) And she scheduled me for an induction on the 9th of April, when I would be 41 weeks. I came home SOOOO discouraged. I did not want to be pregnant for another week and a half. My mom had just come into town and I think mentally I was finally ok with actually doing the labor thing. Prior to the appointment, I still felt a little hesitant about my readiness to do the labor thing mentally and physically. The last few months had been draining on me and I just didn't feel prepared. The previous Thursday I started having contractions and really thought it was the real deal. I had kind of a panic attack and Dan gave me a blessing. It's not that I didn't want to have the baby, it was that I just felt like I needed a bit more time to prepare. Dan had only been done with chemo for 3 days and was still feeling sick, and I had a bad cold, and I just needed more time. But this appointment did it for me. I was ready for this 9 months of anticipation to come to the ultimate end--delivery.
That night I went to YW to our activity, which ended in a lot of dancing--(attractive when you are 39 weeks pregnant) It was a stake talent show. and then I came home and walked about a mile and half with my mom.
I woke up on Thursday March 31st, at 6:00am with some contractions. They were hard and consistent--every 4 minutes apart. At 7 when Dan was leaving for work, I declared to him that I was pretty sure I was going to have a baby today--but also told him to go to work, since I wanted to make sure things kept going and I wanted to do most of the labor thing at home. :)
I consistently had contractions all through getting Nova off to school and getting showered and dressed. My mom and Griffon and I went to the dollar store for some puzzles for general conference. Still every 4 minutes. I could still walk and talk through them, so I kept telling myself that I should just stay home and not call Dan. We got home, and around noon I went for a walk to our nearest park. The contractions picked up a bit--I had a few 3 minutes apart and they were a bit stronger. I called Dan on the walk and we debated if he should come home. By the end of my walk, I texted and told him to come home and we could head to the hospital.
Dan came home and I brought out the bassinet and told him to set it up. (It takes under 5 min) My mom and I moved my bed over so we would have room for it and we snapped a couple of pictures and headed out to the hospital. Griffon was so excited, and I was really emotional hugging him as my baby for the last time, knowing that the next time I saw him, he would seem so huge. I told him that the next time I came home, I would bring him a new baby! He totally grinned and was so excited.
We arrived at the hospital at 2. I told them I had been having contractions since 6 in the morning. They hooked me up to a monitor and things were going great. But, the only downside was is that when they checked me I was only at a three. WHHAAAAATTT???? I felt like the biggest wimp, and pansy. Had I really only dilated a measly 1/2 cm in 8 hours? I started to question what I knew about my body and my ability to read its cues---and also my pain tolerance. At this point, the contractions were uncomfortable enough that I definitely didn't want to be sent home, but not strong enough that I couldn't keep a steady face during a conversation either. (my pride is obviously an issue....)
They had Doctor Hill, the on-call doctor come in and check me about 45 minutes later after I answered some questions to get me pre-admitted. I was at a "maybe 3.5" and he told me he suggested that I walk for a while.
The conversation went a little like this:
Dr: I would walk around a bit and see if things progress. It might get things moving a little.
Me: Can you just break my water? I go really fast after my water is broken.
Dr: But then we are committed you know? If you slow down or don't progress, we can just send you home--how far away from the hospital to you live?
Me: 10 minutes or so. (What I didn't say, but was thinking: "Oh, I am totally committed, and I will be having this baby today Doc.)
Dr: Oh, well, yeah, I mean you aren't huffing and puffing during our conversation, so it seems like you aren't in too much pain while I am watching your contractions, so, yeah, just walk around a bit--I am off at 7:30, so I don't think I will be the one to deliver you. I will come check on you in an hour or so and see how you are doing and decide whether you should stay.
Me: Ok. I'll walk. Thank you. (What I didn't say, but was thinking: "Seriously? You will be delivering my baby before dinner buddy.")
This conversation ended about 3:50.
My nurse told me that she was going to give me 20 minutes to walk around and come check on me. I asked for a blanket and pillow for Dan for the fold out bed because he was feeling pretty sick. I figured he could rest while I paced around for 20 minutes. After about 10 minutes I was having some really hard contractions. I debated calling in my nurse asking for an epidural, but my pride got the best of me---again.....seriously....I need to work on this.....I kept telling myself "I can do 10 more minutes---I can't ask for an epidural when I am at "maybe a 3.5." but when she came in 10 minutes later, I decided I would get one. Then I could relax. Dan did a ton of pressure points with Griffon but I just felt that I should just get an epidural and then we could both relax a bit before the final showdown.
The anesthesiologist who came in for my epidural about 4:25 was actually the same one who did Dan's surgery to remove his tumor---well both surgeries since after his first one he had internal bleeding so they had to put him under again.....so she totally recognized us. It was a weird sort of reunion. I think my nurse was wondering what the heck was up with my husband taking a nap on the couch---I told her, "Fun fact that isn't really fun: My husband just finished chemo last week, so he isn't feeling super great." Dan was up at that point and came over to help with the epidural.
She put in my epidural and I felt so hot and sweaty and felt terrible. I just tried to hold really still and was squeezing the life out of Dan's hand and was breathing really deeply. After it was in, I sat back and she told me that I would be feeling better by the next contraction. Welllllll.........it didn't. My nurse, Dagny, (who was the coolest and best nurse ever) started bustling around getting things ready for the delivery. I had another contraction, and then another and it actually didn't feel any better---just more painful. My eyes were mostly closed as I told Dan that it wasn't working and that I didn't think I could do it. I was scared to do this task of delivering this baby alone without any assistance. I had tears in my eyes because the feeling was just so intense. With Griffon, my epidural kicked in right after I had transitioned, but took immediate effect. So although I felt it all the way up to the end, I had it for the end and had a bit of respite before the grand finale. But I knew that for this baby, it was he and I.
She put in my epidural and I felt so hot and sweaty and felt terrible. I just tried to hold really still and was squeezing the life out of Dan's hand and was breathing really deeply. After it was in, I sat back and she told me that I would be feeling better by the next contraction. Welllllll.........it didn't. My nurse, Dagny, (who was the coolest and best nurse ever) started bustling around getting things ready for the delivery. I had another contraction, and then another and it actually didn't feel any better---just more painful. My eyes were mostly closed as I told Dan that it wasn't working and that I didn't think I could do it. I was scared to do this task of delivering this baby alone without any assistance. I had tears in my eyes because the feeling was just so intense. With Griffon, my epidural kicked in right after I had transitioned, but took immediate effect. So although I felt it all the way up to the end, I had it for the end and had a bit of respite before the grand finale. But I knew that for this baby, it was he and I.
To describe the last bit of labor seems nearly impossible. I would simultaneously describe his birth into this world the most terrifying, joyful, intense and spiritual thing I have ever done. After the anesthesiologist left, Dagny checked me and I was at a 9.5. I had dilated from maybe a 3.5 to a 9.5 in about 30 min. I told her I felt a lot of pressure. I thought about people I know who scream during labor and I tried moaning but the moment sound left my lips it just got worse, and so I just breathed. Dan whispered encouraging words to me. Dan is such a source of strength for me. I can easily get worked up (biggest understatement of all time) and just him holding my hand and looking at me and talking to me with confidence and calm can calm me down almost instantly. Dagny kept telling me that that pressure was my baby and that I could do it too.
Then something happened, an image of a painting that I love came into my mind, It is called She will find what is lost by Brian Kershisnik and I instantly thought of angels on the other side who were in that room with me. Women who have gone before me who were cheering me on. I felt the presence of my Grandma Zelma there with me and my Grandma Ila and even Dan's Grandma Thomas who I have never met. I felt empowered and strengthened through this image in my mind.
Doctor Hill came in, (not my doctor--she went on sabbatical the week before) and he said surprised, "Well! It looks like we progressed pretty fast! Let's have this baby!"
I pushed for 2 contractions and little Dashal was here. My left leg was numb but I could feel everything else. In between my contractions, the Doctor told me that if I pushed like that again, it would be done. I don't know if it was a mix of adrenaline, pain, excitement and hormones, but I started to sing.......yes.....sing. It didn't phase Dan, but my nurse was laughing and the doctor just looked completely bewildered. I started to sing, "I am strong! I am powerful! My body can do this! The human body is amazing! This is amazing!" Yeah......maybe my pride isn't such an issue after all......hahahahahaha!
Dashal cried for the 1st 20 minutes. A beautiful image I want to remember is Dan's face when he was born. Dan doesn't show a lot of emotion. But the look of joy on his face as Dash was born was really a moment I don't want to forget. As I pushed him out, I looked at Dan as he watched. After Dash was here, I just cried. I wept in relief that I had done it. I wept because I knew I had not done it alone, and that he was here safe and sound. For some strange reason I had a lot of worry about him getting here safe. But there he was, lying on my chest, and I was holding him with my arms instead of within my body. My sweet son who we prayed so hard for, who brought me peace and joy through a very difficult few months. The human body truly is amazing and we truly never are alone.
8 lbs 13oz of adorable-ness. Hardly any hair and 21.5 inches long. Having the kids up to see him was pretty magical. It is an incredible thing to SEE love. But as they met Dash for the first time, you could almost see it. They adored him and in my tired and exhausted state, I was so grateful that they will always have each other and that we will always have each other no matter what.
Birth is incredible, and the sacrifice and love of motherhood continues to astonish me. I am so grateful for a human body and human emotions no matter how difficult. So glad you are here my sweet little Dashal Pax!
Then something happened, an image of a painting that I love came into my mind, It is called She will find what is lost by Brian Kershisnik and I instantly thought of angels on the other side who were in that room with me. Women who have gone before me who were cheering me on. I felt the presence of my Grandma Zelma there with me and my Grandma Ila and even Dan's Grandma Thomas who I have never met. I felt empowered and strengthened through this image in my mind.
Doctor Hill came in, (not my doctor--she went on sabbatical the week before) and he said surprised, "Well! It looks like we progressed pretty fast! Let's have this baby!"
I pushed for 2 contractions and little Dashal was here. My left leg was numb but I could feel everything else. In between my contractions, the Doctor told me that if I pushed like that again, it would be done. I don't know if it was a mix of adrenaline, pain, excitement and hormones, but I started to sing.......yes.....sing. It didn't phase Dan, but my nurse was laughing and the doctor just looked completely bewildered. I started to sing, "I am strong! I am powerful! My body can do this! The human body is amazing! This is amazing!" Yeah......maybe my pride isn't such an issue after all......hahahahahaha!
Dashal cried for the 1st 20 minutes. A beautiful image I want to remember is Dan's face when he was born. Dan doesn't show a lot of emotion. But the look of joy on his face as Dash was born was really a moment I don't want to forget. As I pushed him out, I looked at Dan as he watched. After Dash was here, I just cried. I wept in relief that I had done it. I wept because I knew I had not done it alone, and that he was here safe and sound. For some strange reason I had a lot of worry about him getting here safe. But there he was, lying on my chest, and I was holding him with my arms instead of within my body. My sweet son who we prayed so hard for, who brought me peace and joy through a very difficult few months. The human body truly is amazing and we truly never are alone.
8 lbs 13oz of adorable-ness. Hardly any hair and 21.5 inches long. Having the kids up to see him was pretty magical. It is an incredible thing to SEE love. But as they met Dash for the first time, you could almost see it. They adored him and in my tired and exhausted state, I was so grateful that they will always have each other and that we will always have each other no matter what.
On the way out the door......
Holy crap, give me an epidural.......
Dashal!
bald head and bright eyes
His long frog legs
Also, for a virtual birth announcement the hospital puts together here is a link for that:
Note on his name: Pax means peace. We knew we liked that for his middle name. But for the first name, we really were down to the last few minutes of naming him just like Griffon. I wanted to go home the day after, but we wanted to get the birth certificate in before we left and get it notorized---basically, we NEEDED a deadline--or this kid would never have a name. The 2 we were down to were Ezra and Dashal. I tried to convince Dan on a few others that I still really liked, but they just didn't seem to fit him and Dan didn't like them--Milo, Odin, Twain, and Kessler.
We waffled back and forth, and if she would have come back in a few times, he would have been Ezra. We weighed the pros and cons of each name, tried each name, but the nickname given to him in the womb just had stuck to hard I guess. He was just Dash. However after we went to his 3 day appointment, and they came out and called him Da-shawl, I looked at Dan and told him I wanted to change his name to Ezra. (and truth be told......I may still be considering it, depending how sleep deprived I am?!?!?! Maybe??? I have problems!)
Birth is incredible, and the sacrifice and love of motherhood continues to astonish me. I am so grateful for a human body and human emotions no matter how difficult. So glad you are here my sweet little Dashal Pax!
Monday, March 21, 2016
Done!!!
Today was Dan's last day of chemo! YEAH! I cannot believe that its done. And I could not be more grateful. It feels surreal. Driving home I felt so emotional. I felt relieved. I felt happy. I felt exhausted. But I mostly felt thankful that we are through the whirlwind of the last 3 months.
Dan's doctor told him last Friday that he has never in his career seen anyone his age with this kind of cancer with this kind of regime of drugs do as well as he has. He said, "I don't know how you have done it man." Dan said, he wanted to tell him, "The enabling power of the atonement and prayer." How true that is. I have never felt so empowered and enabled by Christ, and I know that Dan will say the same thing.
I will not miss this cancer business and hope that it never comes back--ever. But the growth that has happened within myself and with Dan, and together as a couple, and as a family has been immense. It is amazing how after you have done something and you realize how much you have had to rely on the Lord and each other and your friends and family how you realize you never knew how strong you had the capacity to be. We never could have done any of this without the love and prayers of so. many. people. And we could not have done it without God. It makes me think of the poem that President Monson quoted a few conferences ago while Dan was unemployed, "Good timber does not grow with ease, the stronger the wind, the stronger the trees." That really resonated with me then and I still reflect on it. I want to be a strong tree, but I hate the wind and when the wind starts to blow, I don't want to be a strong tree anymore. :) (Let me stay wimpy!!!!) I know that we don't have to stand in the wind alone to become a stronger version of our tree though. I am so grateful that we have a respite from this particular storm, but am grateful for the wind from this particular hurricane. (That blew so hard that it took Dan's hair with it--Ha! I just couldn't resist.)
We all three spent a lot of time in this little room. A lot of people have commented that its been crazy timing being pregnant during all of this. I don't know if I have written this here, but this little boy has brought me more peace than I can even articulate. Admittedly, this has been my hardest pregnancy as far as feeling sick and tired goes. I have been more achy and had a harder time than I ever have with Nova or Griffon. But in some ways, his has been the easiest. He has brought me a lot of joy and happiness even in times of a lot of stress and worry. And I am so grateful he has stayed in this whole time too and hasn't decided to come early. :)
Dan's doctor told him last Friday that he has never in his career seen anyone his age with this kind of cancer with this kind of regime of drugs do as well as he has. He said, "I don't know how you have done it man." Dan said, he wanted to tell him, "The enabling power of the atonement and prayer." How true that is. I have never felt so empowered and enabled by Christ, and I know that Dan will say the same thing.
I will not miss this cancer business and hope that it never comes back--ever. But the growth that has happened within myself and with Dan, and together as a couple, and as a family has been immense. It is amazing how after you have done something and you realize how much you have had to rely on the Lord and each other and your friends and family how you realize you never knew how strong you had the capacity to be. We never could have done any of this without the love and prayers of so. many. people. And we could not have done it without God. It makes me think of the poem that President Monson quoted a few conferences ago while Dan was unemployed, "Good timber does not grow with ease, the stronger the wind, the stronger the trees." That really resonated with me then and I still reflect on it. I want to be a strong tree, but I hate the wind and when the wind starts to blow, I don't want to be a strong tree anymore. :) (Let me stay wimpy!!!!) I know that we don't have to stand in the wind alone to become a stronger version of our tree though. I am so grateful that we have a respite from this particular storm, but am grateful for the wind from this particular hurricane. (That blew so hard that it took Dan's hair with it--Ha! I just couldn't resist.)
Getting all hooked up for his final dose of Bleo--and final dose of chemo.
All of the great nurses at the infusion center. On the bottom right is Jessica--she was our main nurse and was so fabulous. She is getting married in a couple weeks. On the left is KB. The other nurses in the back are Lori, Hannah, Sarah and Shelly. We loved them, and will miss them, but won't miss that green chair. :) They came in and rang a bell and gave him his cancer monkey and a survival certificate and clapped and cheered with him as his IV started to beep that he was done.
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
Round 2
Last week is over! And I am so very very glad. It was long, but it went smoothly. It was hard, yet was made easier by so many people. I am overwhelmed and humbled by so many people in our lives who love us and care for us and are so willing to love and serve even when their own lives are busy and crazy and stressful. I truly felt angels on the other side last week as well as angels on this side as well. And we couldn't have done it without either.
This week was very much the same as week 1. They repeated the same drugs, same chemo schedule. He had the same side effects around the same time of the week and so although it was helpful to know what to expect, it was also this cloud looming knowing that it was just going to go downhill as the week progressed. By Thursday, he was declining and feeling weaker and yesterday he was completely wiped. He got a steroid yesterday to help produce white blood cells and so if everything repeats on schedule like last time, by tomorrow he will be feeling about a thousand times better than he does now. Doing anything kind of takes it out of him. He feels week and tired and just all round blah. I think this round hit him a bit harder than the last because he was weaker when it started. But, he doesn't have a cold like he did last time, so in that aspect, that has been better. He said this round has been harder than the first. But he has been amazing through this whole process. He hasn't complained at all. The most he will say is, "I'm ready for this to be done." I have always loved him, but seeing him take this with so much grace and strength has made me love him even more. He is so phenomenally incredible and I am so lucky to have him.
I am so grateful for friends who took Griffon for a bit everyday so I could be with Dan during chemo. Although he isn't super chatty and worked most of the time I was there, it was nice to eat lunch with him and break up the monotony of the day for him.
Tender mercies this week--consisting of mostly people :) I just want to remember how MUCH people have done for us. : (I am sure I am missing people in this too, I have tried to write everything down so I can remember, but still probably haven't even done a good job of it--our friends and ward family have been so unbelievable. It makes me want to be better at serving and loving.)
*Kate, Olivia, Melanie, and Michelle for watching Griffon. And Chrissy for being ready to watch my kids even though I cancelled at the last minute because my kids needed to be home.
*Erin and Jen for picking up Nova and letting her hang out at their house after school on the days that Dan wasn't quite done with chemo.
*Debbi and Erin for helping with Griff on Friday and getting him to gymnastics.
*Dave Erickson bringing cookies all the way from New York for Dan.
*Carol, Kate, Michelle, Cynthia, and Britt for bringing dinner. I have always been pretty terrible at asking for help, or accepting it for that matter because I have the mentality of just hunkering down and getting stuff done that needs to be done--even when its not easy. But having dinner brought in all week was the so amazing for me. By the end of the day I was completely wiped out, and only having to figure out food for Dan and Nova was way better than thinking of something for Griffon and I as well. But to top it off, everyone brought food that Nova could have at least some of and it was amazing to have that load lightened at the end of the day.
*Erin brought over some amazing bread that Dan devoured after nothing else sounded good.
*Phil watched Griffon while I was able to take Nova to a tap dance performance for her old teacher that she desperately wanted to go to.
*Our home teacher brought over some "chemo chip cookies." He made them himself.
*Friends and family texting and calling and sending letters to lift Dan's spirits.
*A gift card from Dave and Elisa to Red Robin.
*An anonomyous gift card to Chik-fil-a for us to get dinner from someone in our ward.
*We were able to enjoy a movie on Friday as a family. It has been a LONG time since we have had a Family movie night and it was so awesome to be together doing something normal even though Dan felt blah.
Hardest things for the week:
*The week in general was really long.
*We had an inspection at our property and I needed to make sure our house was clean and tidy.
*Watching Dan feel miserable.
*Finding out Wednesday that my amniotic fluid is low--they aren't super worried about it, but I have been told I need to drink a gallon a day and rest twice a day. Drinking a gallon a day with a baby sitting on my bladder means I am living in the bathroom or always needing to GO to the bathroom. Hahaha!
*Thursday afternoon. The kids were so done. They were play-dated out. They were tired. They were cranky. Nova particularly had a rough time. As in epic meltdowns. I think at this point of the week everyone was kind of done. Ha!
SIDE NOTE ON FRIDAY (that will be of no interest to anyone but me, but I wanted to record it somewhere.)
*I so carefully orchestrated getting everywhere where I needed to be. I needed to be at the school in the morning to check to see if there was any prep work for Nova's classroom. Then I dropped Griffon off at our neighbor Erin's house. Then I ran back to the school to drop off Nova's backpack that she had left that morning (The morning was so crazy because we were trying to tidy everything up for an inspection happening later in the morning that I wouldn't be home for.) I then volunteered in Nova's class, and left early so I could be to Dan's doctors appointment on time. Another friend, Debbi, picked up Griffon from Erin's house to get him to gymnastics where I would meet her before it ended.
After leaving Nova's school a little early to get to Dan's doctors appointment on time I was feeling really proud of myself because I was actually a little early to Dan's doctors appointment. (Typically I am running behind.) I texted him as I was parking to let him know I was there and he texted back as I was walking in to say he had been pulled back early for his appointment, it had only lasted 3 minutes and he was done. I felt SO defeated. After all my careful planning and figuring, I still couldn't be everywhere where I felt like I should be. It was frustrating and annoying. I kind of wanted to put my head in my hands and cry. I could have been home for the inspection. I could have finished volunteering. I could have picked up Griffon and taken him to gymnastics. I felt exhausted trying to be impossibly everything for everyone. But instead, I just took a moment to be really mad and then decided I didn't even have enough energy to be mad about it.
I had packed Dan a lunch and sat with him for a bit while he got started on chemo and went and met Griff and Debbi at gymnastics. Because I was exhausted and my kids were exhausted, I cancelled the playdate for the kids that afternoon and we hung out at home. Griff and I had a great nap while Nova played quietly. And that night we had a movie night all together. Although Dan didn't feel good, it was such a great thing to just be together and have things feel normal. It was a good reminder that I can't do it all--as much as I want to and that as much as I can simplify things, I need to.
But, the great news is that he only has one treatment left--next Monday! Hooray!
This week was very much the same as week 1. They repeated the same drugs, same chemo schedule. He had the same side effects around the same time of the week and so although it was helpful to know what to expect, it was also this cloud looming knowing that it was just going to go downhill as the week progressed. By Thursday, he was declining and feeling weaker and yesterday he was completely wiped. He got a steroid yesterday to help produce white blood cells and so if everything repeats on schedule like last time, by tomorrow he will be feeling about a thousand times better than he does now. Doing anything kind of takes it out of him. He feels week and tired and just all round blah. I think this round hit him a bit harder than the last because he was weaker when it started. But, he doesn't have a cold like he did last time, so in that aspect, that has been better. He said this round has been harder than the first. But he has been amazing through this whole process. He hasn't complained at all. The most he will say is, "I'm ready for this to be done." I have always loved him, but seeing him take this with so much grace and strength has made me love him even more. He is so phenomenally incredible and I am so lucky to have him.
I am so grateful for friends who took Griffon for a bit everyday so I could be with Dan during chemo. Although he isn't super chatty and worked most of the time I was there, it was nice to eat lunch with him and break up the monotony of the day for him.
Tender mercies this week--consisting of mostly people :) I just want to remember how MUCH people have done for us. : (I am sure I am missing people in this too, I have tried to write everything down so I can remember, but still probably haven't even done a good job of it--our friends and ward family have been so unbelievable. It makes me want to be better at serving and loving.)
*Kate, Olivia, Melanie, and Michelle for watching Griffon. And Chrissy for being ready to watch my kids even though I cancelled at the last minute because my kids needed to be home.
*Erin and Jen for picking up Nova and letting her hang out at their house after school on the days that Dan wasn't quite done with chemo.
*Debbi and Erin for helping with Griff on Friday and getting him to gymnastics.
*Dave Erickson bringing cookies all the way from New York for Dan.
*Carol, Kate, Michelle, Cynthia, and Britt for bringing dinner. I have always been pretty terrible at asking for help, or accepting it for that matter because I have the mentality of just hunkering down and getting stuff done that needs to be done--even when its not easy. But having dinner brought in all week was the so amazing for me. By the end of the day I was completely wiped out, and only having to figure out food for Dan and Nova was way better than thinking of something for Griffon and I as well. But to top it off, everyone brought food that Nova could have at least some of and it was amazing to have that load lightened at the end of the day.
*Erin brought over some amazing bread that Dan devoured after nothing else sounded good.
*Phil watched Griffon while I was able to take Nova to a tap dance performance for her old teacher that she desperately wanted to go to.
*Our home teacher brought over some "chemo chip cookies." He made them himself.
*Friends and family texting and calling and sending letters to lift Dan's spirits.
*A gift card from Dave and Elisa to Red Robin.
*An anonomyous gift card to Chik-fil-a for us to get dinner from someone in our ward.
*We were able to enjoy a movie on Friday as a family. It has been a LONG time since we have had a Family movie night and it was so awesome to be together doing something normal even though Dan felt blah.
Hardest things for the week:
*The week in general was really long.
*We had an inspection at our property and I needed to make sure our house was clean and tidy.
*Watching Dan feel miserable.
*Finding out Wednesday that my amniotic fluid is low--they aren't super worried about it, but I have been told I need to drink a gallon a day and rest twice a day. Drinking a gallon a day with a baby sitting on my bladder means I am living in the bathroom or always needing to GO to the bathroom. Hahaha!
*Thursday afternoon. The kids were so done. They were play-dated out. They were tired. They were cranky. Nova particularly had a rough time. As in epic meltdowns. I think at this point of the week everyone was kind of done. Ha!
SIDE NOTE ON FRIDAY (that will be of no interest to anyone but me, but I wanted to record it somewhere.)
*I so carefully orchestrated getting everywhere where I needed to be. I needed to be at the school in the morning to check to see if there was any prep work for Nova's classroom. Then I dropped Griffon off at our neighbor Erin's house. Then I ran back to the school to drop off Nova's backpack that she had left that morning (The morning was so crazy because we were trying to tidy everything up for an inspection happening later in the morning that I wouldn't be home for.) I then volunteered in Nova's class, and left early so I could be to Dan's doctors appointment on time. Another friend, Debbi, picked up Griffon from Erin's house to get him to gymnastics where I would meet her before it ended.
After leaving Nova's school a little early to get to Dan's doctors appointment on time I was feeling really proud of myself because I was actually a little early to Dan's doctors appointment. (Typically I am running behind.) I texted him as I was parking to let him know I was there and he texted back as I was walking in to say he had been pulled back early for his appointment, it had only lasted 3 minutes and he was done. I felt SO defeated. After all my careful planning and figuring, I still couldn't be everywhere where I felt like I should be. It was frustrating and annoying. I kind of wanted to put my head in my hands and cry. I could have been home for the inspection. I could have finished volunteering. I could have picked up Griffon and taken him to gymnastics. I felt exhausted trying to be impossibly everything for everyone. But instead, I just took a moment to be really mad and then decided I didn't even have enough energy to be mad about it.
I had packed Dan a lunch and sat with him for a bit while he got started on chemo and went and met Griff and Debbi at gymnastics. Because I was exhausted and my kids were exhausted, I cancelled the playdate for the kids that afternoon and we hung out at home. Griff and I had a great nap while Nova played quietly. And that night we had a movie night all together. Although Dan didn't feel good, it was such a great thing to just be together and have things feel normal. It was a good reminder that I can't do it all--as much as I want to and that as much as I can simplify things, I need to.
My view at chemo. :)
Last day of the long chemo week. We both look pretty tired.
A view of the IV drip machine he is hooked to.
But, the great news is that he only has one treatment left--next Monday! Hooray!
Saturday, March 5, 2016
Chemo week 3
Half way there baby!
We finished up the week and are officially half way done with chemo! In some ways it has seemed really fast and in other ways it has seemed to be really dragging.
This week Monday started off kind of rough. Dan went in for a treatment and was able to go back to work afterwards for a bit but came home feeling pretty miserable. The drug he gets every Monday makes him feel like he has the flu and can make him feel achy, chilled, and get a really high fever. He has never gotten a fever before with this drug, but Monday he got a pretty high fever and felt awful. I was a little worried we would need to take him in. Luckily, the Tylenol took it down and he was able to get some sleep and felt much better in the morning.
Tuesday, his hair started falling out in clumps in the shower. It was pretty crazy, and although expected, was a little sad. Dan shaved his whole head before he went to work. He had Griff watch him because whenever we have talked about Dan loosing his hair, Griff has been really concerned about it and has even cried a few times. But Griff (and Dan) took it like a champ. Dan did a big strip down the middle of his mohawk and Griffon laughed and told him he had a bridge on his head. Afterwards Griff went and sat by the window and just stared out the window for a bit. I went over and sat by him and snuggled him and he said, "I think that when I have chemo, I will shave my head like Dad. It's not scary." It made me smile, but also pulled at my heart. One of the hardest things for me throughout this whole process has been to try to help Nova and Griffon process what is going on without being scared or feel worried or totally have our life turned upside down with our regular routines being different or dynamics changing. (Along with coping with those things myself)The kids have overall done well, but seeing little Griff being so pensive made me sad that he even has to process stuff like that, let alone have cancer be such a part of his life right now. Cancer is dumb.
Tuesday night Dan came home from work and experimented with the kids about how to pull the rest of his hair out. They tried duct tape--but that didn't work, and they tried a lint roller too. HA! That didn't work either. Wednesday morning, he completely shaved it off, but there are parts that are still sort of growing. It is super weird. He has been wearing a hat to work, and it actually has been harder for him to loose his hair than he anticipated, and that as a spouse has been hard too. I wish I could give him some of mine! :)
The rest of the week was pretty uneventful. Friday he had a doctors appointment, and his blood levels look great and he is on track to go into his heavy week on Monday of treatment everyday. It is a little daunting and am not looking forward to it. But, knowing that we have done it before helps, and after this week, we really will be on the home stretch.
Tender Mercies this week:
*A sunshine package from one of my best friends growing up. It came on a bum day, and it really was such a ray of sunshine! Thanks Mel!
*Baby Dash. Although all the feelings you get at the end of pregnancy isn't the ideal thing to be feeling during all of this, this baby boy has brought so much peace and comfort and joy to me. A year ago, this week, I was 12 weeks pregnant when I went into the doctor and found out that there was no heartbeat. I was so sad. I felt frustrated. I was discouraged that for the 4th time I would have to go through a miscarriage. But. This week, a year later, I am weeks from delivering a baby. I have felt immense love that I have been pregnant these last few months even with all the chaos of this cancer business. He has been a constant reminder that Heavenly Father hears our cries for what we so desperately desire--but in his time table. And through this whole cancer process, when it has been scary and uncertain, this tiny moving human that I am carrying inside of my body has reminded me of God's love for me and His hand in my life and how God knows what we need when we need it. God does not always give us what we want, but He will always give us what we need.
Hard things this week:
*Dan loosing his hair, and seeing him struggle with it.
*Friday was a rough day. I just felt sort of blah after about noon. Dan has been working really late hours this week with a big project that has been coming up that kind of bottle necks with him. It has been a miracle he has been able to work through this entire chemo thing so far, but he has been super busy. So the days have been long without him here at night to help with bedtime routines and dinner. But hooray that he has a job that he loves and that he has a job! But putting kids to bed alone 8 months pregnant isn't my favorite. HA! (Lets be real though---doing the bedtime routine not pregnant and alone isn't my favorite either!) HAHA!
So grateful to be halfway done!
We finished up the week and are officially half way done with chemo! In some ways it has seemed really fast and in other ways it has seemed to be really dragging.
This week Monday started off kind of rough. Dan went in for a treatment and was able to go back to work afterwards for a bit but came home feeling pretty miserable. The drug he gets every Monday makes him feel like he has the flu and can make him feel achy, chilled, and get a really high fever. He has never gotten a fever before with this drug, but Monday he got a pretty high fever and felt awful. I was a little worried we would need to take him in. Luckily, the Tylenol took it down and he was able to get some sleep and felt much better in the morning.
Tuesday, his hair started falling out in clumps in the shower. It was pretty crazy, and although expected, was a little sad. Dan shaved his whole head before he went to work. He had Griff watch him because whenever we have talked about Dan loosing his hair, Griff has been really concerned about it and has even cried a few times. But Griff (and Dan) took it like a champ. Dan did a big strip down the middle of his mohawk and Griffon laughed and told him he had a bridge on his head. Afterwards Griff went and sat by the window and just stared out the window for a bit. I went over and sat by him and snuggled him and he said, "I think that when I have chemo, I will shave my head like Dad. It's not scary." It made me smile, but also pulled at my heart. One of the hardest things for me throughout this whole process has been to try to help Nova and Griffon process what is going on without being scared or feel worried or totally have our life turned upside down with our regular routines being different or dynamics changing. (Along with coping with those things myself)The kids have overall done well, but seeing little Griff being so pensive made me sad that he even has to process stuff like that, let alone have cancer be such a part of his life right now. Cancer is dumb.
Tuesday night Dan came home from work and experimented with the kids about how to pull the rest of his hair out. They tried duct tape--but that didn't work, and they tried a lint roller too. HA! That didn't work either. Wednesday morning, he completely shaved it off, but there are parts that are still sort of growing. It is super weird. He has been wearing a hat to work, and it actually has been harder for him to loose his hair than he anticipated, and that as a spouse has been hard too. I wish I could give him some of mine! :)
The rest of the week was pretty uneventful. Friday he had a doctors appointment, and his blood levels look great and he is on track to go into his heavy week on Monday of treatment everyday. It is a little daunting and am not looking forward to it. But, knowing that we have done it before helps, and after this week, we really will be on the home stretch.
Tender Mercies this week:
*A sunshine package from one of my best friends growing up. It came on a bum day, and it really was such a ray of sunshine! Thanks Mel!
*Baby Dash. Although all the feelings you get at the end of pregnancy isn't the ideal thing to be feeling during all of this, this baby boy has brought so much peace and comfort and joy to me. A year ago, this week, I was 12 weeks pregnant when I went into the doctor and found out that there was no heartbeat. I was so sad. I felt frustrated. I was discouraged that for the 4th time I would have to go through a miscarriage. But. This week, a year later, I am weeks from delivering a baby. I have felt immense love that I have been pregnant these last few months even with all the chaos of this cancer business. He has been a constant reminder that Heavenly Father hears our cries for what we so desperately desire--but in his time table. And through this whole cancer process, when it has been scary and uncertain, this tiny moving human that I am carrying inside of my body has reminded me of God's love for me and His hand in my life and how God knows what we need when we need it. God does not always give us what we want, but He will always give us what we need.
Hard things this week:
*Dan loosing his hair, and seeing him struggle with it.
*Friday was a rough day. I just felt sort of blah after about noon. Dan has been working really late hours this week with a big project that has been coming up that kind of bottle necks with him. It has been a miracle he has been able to work through this entire chemo thing so far, but he has been super busy. So the days have been long without him here at night to help with bedtime routines and dinner. But hooray that he has a job that he loves and that he has a job! But putting kids to bed alone 8 months pregnant isn't my favorite. HA! (Lets be real though---doing the bedtime routine not pregnant and alone isn't my favorite either!) HAHA!
So grateful to be halfway done!
Friday, February 26, 2016
Chemo week 2
Nearly done with week 2!
The week started off really rough. Coming off that heavy week of chemo last week left Dan pretty hammered. Although he felt pretty good all things considered, Sunday night he was feeling pretty low. It didn't help that Griffon got sick, and passed his cold to Dan and both boys were feeling pretty miserable.
Sunday night and Monday were probably the worst of it. He went in for another dose of chemo Monday morning, but also some steroids that help produce white blood cells to help boost his immune system. Chemo attacks all fast growing cells--both good and bad--which makes Dan's immune system pretty much non-existent. The steroid is supposed to help boost his blood count and help him feel better. He looked pretty run down when we entered the clinic Monday but still managed to smile for the nurses, but slept the entire time of his infusion.
Monday was probably the hardest day for me. It was hard seeing Dan feel so gross for a couple of days and see him looking weak. Although we felt so triumphant and positive that week one had gone so well, on Monday morning when we drove to the clinic, we both talked about how it had been an insanely long week and doing 5 more weeks seemed impossible and daunting. It was a little discouraging to see Dan so low, and feeling like I couldn't really draw a ton of positive energy out of myself either. It kind of reminded me a bit of running a half marathon--you get to about mile 10 and you know that 3 miles isn't really a long way to go, but 3 miles is still 3 miles--and you question if it would be better to just dive off onto the side of the road and call it good. Ha!
Tuesday was better and it was SO insanely nice to not have to go to the clinic for any actual chemo! Dan had Tuesday- Friday off to recover. By the end of Tuesday he had perked right back up, and Wednesday he went back to work even! He has been at work all week long and although he still feels fatigued, life has seemed pretty normal. He went into the clinic today for lab work, and his blood looks great, and his doctor is thrilled with how well Dan has handled everything, and how well his body is tolerating the treatments. We feel so blessed, and so grateful!
Dan is also expected to start loosing his hair in the next 3-4 days. So, he decided to have some fun with it before it goes. He was going to dye it blue, but didn't want to be bald AND have a blue scalp, so he gave himself a mohawk. I had a minor--he would say major--panic attack when he proclaimed at 9:30 at night he was going to cut it. I made him wait a day to prep myself, and he did it last night. He looks adorably goofy--but I don't hate it. The kids reaction this morning was funny. Nova freaked out---of course---and proclaimed that he didn't look normal, didn't look like her dad, and that next time he does chemo, she doesn't want him to cut it like that before it falls out! (Not planning for a next time--this is a one time deal! Ha!) Griff laughed and told Dan that he didn't want to cut his hair that way because it looked TOO crazy.
Tender Mercies
*Having a sense of normalcy again!
*More friends and neighbors showing love through stopping by, listening, checking in and even bringing goodies to our house. We have the best of friends!
*Dan felt well enough to attend Sacrament Meeting.
*Dan being able to work so far through everything. He actually was given a blessing when all of this started--even before we knew it he would need chemo that he would be able to work and get all of his work obligations fulfilled even if he wasn't feeling well. We have totally seen that be the case, and feel so grateful.
*We have had so many offers for help and many people helping watch kids while we get where we need to.
*Dan didn't have a reaction on Monday to the drug that gave him a reaction last week.
*Nova had had a small lesion removed from her mouth a few weeks ago that they had to remove and had sent in to get tested. I was a little worried about getting the results back (I am totally over waiting for pathology and biopsy reports!) but everything came back great and we are so grateful that it was nothing more serious.
Hardest things this week:
*Sunday night and Monday feeling emotionally and physically exhausted.
*Griffon being sick along with Dan.
Dan goes in for another treatment on Monday and then has Tuesday and Friday off again before he has another heavy week of chemo the following week. Hooray for a weekend that will be better than the last!
Saturday, February 20, 2016
Chemo Week 1
We have made it through
the first week of chemo. Huzzah!
All in all its gone smoothly and we are so
grateful. This whole time Dan hasn't complained at all and has been so
positive. He has been so optimistic and cheerful through this whole thing even
though I know it hasn't been easy for him.
Go Dan!
Although he hasn't felt completely awful, he hasn't felt
super great and normal either--but it has been way better than the doctors, or
we were anticipating! Yesterday and today have been his hardest days so far.
They said that through the weekend and into Tuesday he might feel pretty low
and crummy, but after that, he should be on the upswing.
Some side effects he has had so far:
His eyes and face are swollen--probably from the
steroids.
He has a metallic taste in his mouth and some
food tastes weird.
Meals don't sound particularly great to him, but
he is able to snack and eat decently.
Feels fatigued
Tender mercies this week:
*Dan has hardly felt any nausea--it mostly has
hit him today and yesterday. He hasn't had to take any additional medication for anything
outside of his pre-meds and actual chemo drugs until Friday. He gets
anti-nausea medication with his chemo, but not having to take anything
additional nearly all week has been a blessing.
*He has been able to sleep OK without the
sleeping pills they prescribed.
*He has had pretty good energy and has been in
pretty good spirits most of the week.
*His nurses have been so nice and so great.
The infusion/cancer center is awesome and about 10 minutes from our house,
which makes it easy to go back and forth.
*My parents have been here and have entertained
the kids and allowed me to be with Dan.
*After being at the clinic all week long Dan and
I feel so fortunate that our stay there will be so short lived. There are
people who are doing 8 or 10 or 12 rounds and are so sick. Dan and I feel
guilty for having it so easy comparatively. Which I know sounds insane. I just
ache for the people there.
*I had some friends who coordinated with my
mom and made some bread mix for Nova so that making her bread will be more
streamlined. It was such a gift of love and service to me.
*More friends dropped by a ton of paper
products and a gift card to Costco so that I won't have to do dishes. It was so kind and thoughtful.
*We have felt prayers and love from friends
and family near and far with people checking in and calling and texting and
emailing.
*A friend watched our kids while we went to
the temple last Saturday and grabbed some lunch. It was so wonderful to be able
to get to the temple and have a little date before we geared up for chemo.
*I have had energy and haven't felt tired.
The kids have been great at helping out and
getting along and helping around the house, and being content with a very low
key winter break.
Hardest things this week:
*Watching Dan progressively feel a little weaker and sicker each day. Its never fun to watch someone you love--let alone your best friend not feel well, knowing there isn't much you can do for them.
*Watching Dan progressively feel a little weaker and sicker each day. Its never fun to watch someone you love--let alone your best friend not feel well, knowing there isn't much you can do for them.
*Trying to balance my time as a mom and wife.
Although my mom has been here, I have missed being a mom and being with my
kids, and feeling torn between where I should be.
Thank you again to everyone who has been
praying on our behalf and putting our names in the temple. Your prayers are
being heard and answered. The power of prayer is so real and so powerful.
Dan and I have felt very strongly this week that the reason he is doing so well
is because of prayers that are being said by so many. Prayer matters.
Today we attended a baptism of one of our
"California cousins" and in one of the talks it talked about how
those who make baptismal covenants bare one another's burdens. I have always
loved the imagery of that principle, but never have I felt it so much as I have
had these last few weeks. I have felt my own burdens be light because of the
prayers that have been said and the service that has been done for us--both big
and small. This experience does not seem as heavy because of Christ, and
Christ-like friends. It has inspired me think about my own discipleship, and
how I can be a better disciple of Christ. It has also made me think about how I
serve and how I can better show love to those I care about so they can feel it
like I have felt it these last few weeks. We have felt beyond loved and cared for--it has been overwhelming.
We love you all! Goodbye week 1 and onto week 2!
Dan after 12 hours of chemo. Maybe he was a little loopy because he posed for this picture on top of this statue at the hospital on our way out.
Friday, February 12, 2016
Cancer
I wrote all of my feelings on the last few weeks, but after I typed it all up, it just felt to personal, so here is a simple run down of everything for anyone interested. Maybe at some point I will post it here, but not today. I do think that I will keep updates here (or at least try to) during the next few weeks as we navigate chemotherapy.
For those who want a simple run down of everything Dan has testicular cancer. We found out Christmas Eve and it has been a whirlwind month and a half to say the least. These last few weeks have been crazy and a bit scary at times, but so completely full of tender mercies, blessings, miracles, and peace.
He had surgery mid January, and we found out it was a bit more serious than they originally thought (needs to be treated by chemo instead of just radiation) So, Dan is starting chemotherapy on Monday and will be doing 2 rounds, and be done before baby boy Hope moves in. Yeah! Doing so little chemo is such a blessing and hopefully being done before little Dash comes, is another huge relief. (Not his real name--just his nickname) We feel incredibly blessed that we found his tumor early and that we have such a great support system from our biological families as well as our California family. :)
We also feel extremely blessed that this cancer is 98% survivable and according to his doctors, the lottery of all cancers. Which although it seems ironic to put it that way, we feel so fortunate to be dealing with this as opposed to something much more serious.
Things I have been reminded of these last few weeks:
Heavenly Father's love for His children is real. Trials help us see His love and require us to seek it and ask for it.
Trials are hard and every single person has them. Some have more visible ones than others, but everyone is carrying burdens and trials that are so very hard to bear and seem unbearable--and ARE unbearable at times. They can feel heavy and too much if we try to do it alone. I also know that we aren't expected to to it alone. The atonement is powerful and Christ has suffered all so we don't have to do it alone. Ever. I am so grateful for the perspective of the gospel.
We are stronger than we think we are, and the power of prayer is real.
Right before we found out about the cancer, I was listening to a talk by Elder Uchtdorf "The Infinite Power of Hope"
I really loved this quote and it has been a good reminder about where my focus should be.
“in the depth of winter, [we find] within [us] an invincible summer.” 31
God is so good, and the gospel is what brings me hope and joy even when it would be easier to sit in a corner and cry. (Not to say I have done my share of that either though. HA! But I just blame it on the pregnancy :) )
For those who want a simple run down of everything Dan has testicular cancer. We found out Christmas Eve and it has been a whirlwind month and a half to say the least. These last few weeks have been crazy and a bit scary at times, but so completely full of tender mercies, blessings, miracles, and peace.
He had surgery mid January, and we found out it was a bit more serious than they originally thought (needs to be treated by chemo instead of just radiation) So, Dan is starting chemotherapy on Monday and will be doing 2 rounds, and be done before baby boy Hope moves in. Yeah! Doing so little chemo is such a blessing and hopefully being done before little Dash comes, is another huge relief. (Not his real name--just his nickname) We feel incredibly blessed that we found his tumor early and that we have such a great support system from our biological families as well as our California family. :)
We also feel extremely blessed that this cancer is 98% survivable and according to his doctors, the lottery of all cancers. Which although it seems ironic to put it that way, we feel so fortunate to be dealing with this as opposed to something much more serious.
Things I have been reminded of these last few weeks:
Heavenly Father's love for His children is real. Trials help us see His love and require us to seek it and ask for it.
Trials are hard and every single person has them. Some have more visible ones than others, but everyone is carrying burdens and trials that are so very hard to bear and seem unbearable--and ARE unbearable at times. They can feel heavy and too much if we try to do it alone. I also know that we aren't expected to to it alone. The atonement is powerful and Christ has suffered all so we don't have to do it alone. Ever. I am so grateful for the perspective of the gospel.
We are stronger than we think we are, and the power of prayer is real.
Right before we found out about the cancer, I was listening to a talk by Elder Uchtdorf "The Infinite Power of Hope"
I really loved this quote and it has been a good reminder about where my focus should be.
The adversary uses despair to bind hearts and minds in suffocating darkness. Despair drains from us all that is vibrant and joyful and leaves behind the empty remnants of what life was meant to be. Despair kills ambition, advances sickness, pollutes the soul, and deadens the heart. Despair can seem like a staircase that leads only and forever downward.
Hope, on the other hand, is like the beam of sunlight rising up and above the horizon of our present circumstances. It pierces the darkness with a brilliant dawn. It encourages and inspires us to place our trust in the loving care of an eternal Heavenly Father.“in the depth of winter, [we find] within [us] an invincible summer.” 31
God is so good, and the gospel is what brings me hope and joy even when it would be easier to sit in a corner and cry. (Not to say I have done my share of that either though. HA! But I just blame it on the pregnancy :) )
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